the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
