I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
