I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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