My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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