Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
