i would punch a child for taco bell
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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