Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
