Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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