i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
