I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
ttyl tear gas
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
