dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
