I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
