My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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