Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
