and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Randomize
