You smell like stripper and shame
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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