just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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