The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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