My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
