Screwed.edu
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
