A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I think your dad took our porno
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
