They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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