seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We left an ass print on the piano.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I could fuck to npr.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
