bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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