So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
