We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
