So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
