Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
