he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize