The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
