I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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