Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
