i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
