I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
