Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
