I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
No I am not eating basil off your cock
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
