I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
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