I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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