Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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