Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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