Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
