tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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