she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Two words: blizzard sex
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Shame is for Republicans.
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