but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
