I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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