I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
