A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
