turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
