hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
