Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
