I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
