And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
