I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
