tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
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