Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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