How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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