What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
