I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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