i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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